How to Disagree with Your Pastor

A few weeks ago, a young pastor called me and asked if he could talk to me. We set a time to meet and as we sat down for coffee, he handed me an envelope. On the front of the envelope was this pastor’s name and his address at the church. There wasn’t anything else on the envelope. No return address. No initials on the back flap. Nothing. 

When I opened the envelope and pulled out the letter, I got what I was expecting – an unsigned letter. Normally, when I get an unsigned letter, I don’t read them at all. I throw them in the trash. I’ve never gotten an unsigned letter from a devoted disciple of Christ or any person I would think I needed to take very seriously at all. 

But, I’m working with a young pastor, so I had to go through the motions. The person who was writing this letter was rather tame. I’ve gotten unsigned letters where my children were threatened. There were no threats of violence in this letter – just the usual “you’re not preaching the Bible,” “you’ve sold out to the world” and “God will never bless our church as long as you are pastor.” Of course, the last paragraph was the usual “I’m not giving any more money to the church until you’re gone.” Now, we don’t know if this person ever gave any money beforehand, but that’s another article. 

“What do I do with this,” my young friend asked me. 

“Throw it in the garbage,” I said. “And the next time you get an envelope with no return address and you find the letter isn’t signed, throw it away.  Don’t read it. Don’t mention it to anyone. Move on and don’t give it another thought.”

My young friend was surprised at my answer. I explained this is not a letter that was written by a serious disciple of Christ. Jesus gave us very clear instructions in Matthew 18 about how we are to deal with disagreements with a brother or sister. We go to them in person. If that doesn’t work out, we bring elders – mature believers – to help us work it out and if that doesn’t work, you bring it before the church. Every step of the way is done so that everyone in the process is edified, relationships are deepened and the church strengthened. 

If a person isn’t willing to work the process Jesus gave to us, we need to have the freedom to move on.  

Don’t misunderstand me. Pastors are human. We make mistakes. We make a lot of mistakes. We need people watching our backs. We need brothers and sisters who are paying attention to our lives. And when the need comes, we need people who love us enough to come talk to us. Over the years of my ministry, I’ve had friends who loved me enough to come have some hard conversations with me. The conversations didn’t feel good, but they were necessary if I was going to become the pastor and man I wanted to become. These friends were, and still are, some of my most loved friends.

So, what do you do when you realize you are in disagreement with your pastor? It’s going to happen. Two people can’t work together in capacity for very long without disagreeing about something. So, what do you do when you disagree with your pastor? Most of all, and I can’t say this strongly enough, we are never given permission to disobey the teachings of Christ because we’re angry or the pastor has made us angry. Jesus is always our Lord. Period. Every action, including those dealing with anger and disappointment, are always under His authority. 

So, what do we do? First, pray. I’m assuming you want the best for your pastor and your church. Seek God’s guidance on this. Remember, you might be wrong. Give God a chance to lead you in this. 

Second, pray for your pastor’s success and explore if your disagreement is part of how God is growing your pastor and your church. 

Third, sit down with your pastor. Explain what has led you to this moment. Talk about the problem, not the pastor. Use phrases like, “Help me understand” in order to foster discussion. Don’t accuse. Don’t judge. Ask questions and quietly respond with your answers. Remember, you may be wrong. Your pastor may be wrong. For that matter, both of you might be wrong. Seek to deal with your pastor the way you would want someone to deal with you. The goal is redemption. The goal is sanctification. 

Winning isn’t what we’re after. Being right isn’t what we’re after. Everybody being more like Jesus is the goal. 

Decide if this is something you can agree to disagree on. If it is, live with it. There are bigger battles to fight. 

If not, have the grace to move on. Paul and Barnabas split up. You and your pastor may need to as well. There’s no shame. There’s no guilt. All of us are created in different ways for different uses in the kingdom. If you can’t serve to your fullest in one church, find a church where you can. 

Don’t stay in a church that makes you angry. Don’t stay with a pastor who frustrates you every Sunday. That will only frustrate you and your pastor all the more. More than that, the Spirit of God will be frustrated by all of it. 

The goal is edification. The goal is sanctification. The goal is for the church to be strengthened. Anything else frustrates the Spirit of God in our midst and everyone else too.