Criticisms and Choices

Whatever you’ve heard about pastors being criticized, you haven’t heard the half of it. I’ve been criticized for wearing a tie when I preached and not wearing a tie. I was told I preached too long and then told I didn’t preach long enough. I was overbearing as a leader and other people told me I needed to be bold and take harder stands. I was told our music was too loud and too long and then,  I was told we cut our worship set too short – by people in the same worship service. For everyone's opinion and thought, there was somebody in the church who felt the opposite way. 

For a pastor, criticism is part of the job and if you’re going to survive as a pastor – or a leader at any level – you’d better learn how to deal with criticism. 

Here’s how I learn to handle criticism. Maybe my thoughts will help you. 

First, when I’m criticized, I refuse to react in the moment. I learned a long time ago my first response was never my best response. If I was going to respond effectively, I would have to be thoughtful in my response. So, the first thing I learned was to tell people I would think about what they had told me. I would listen closely to be sure I had heard their concerns, and then, I would tell them I would think about it and get back to them. Later, I told people I was sure that I wouldn’t be able to remember what they were trying to tell me (this was especially true on a Sunday morning) and they should email me so their concern would become part of my work flow. If they didn’t email me, I could promise them I would probably forget their concerns. 

Now, once I had the criticism firmly grasped, I had to choose what to do with it. I can’t always choose whether or not criticism comes, but I always have the choice on how to deal with it. It’s always our choice on how we deal with it. It’s not always our choice to receive it. Sometimes, people just throw stuff at us and we have to deal with it whether we want to or not.   

The first thing I want to know is whether or not the criticism was valid. If the criticism isn’t valid, I let it go, but if it is valid I receive the criticism as a gift and I’m grateful for it. Yes, sometimes the criticism stings, but if it is true, I would do well to learn from it. Perhaps, I did preach too long. Perhaps my organization was careless or my decision was made too hastily. When that happens, I thank the person for pointing out my failure, tell them the correction I plan to make and then I move on. Hears the way I look at it. Anyone who tells me something isn’t working is my friend. I’m always grateful for the stranger at the airport who tells me I have spinach in my teeth. They may have meant it to hurt me, but if it helps me, I’ll be grateful and move on. 

If the criticism isn’t valid, I’ll let the person know why I disagree with them and move on. I’ll assume they meant their criticism for good (not everyone who critiques us is our enemy) and I’ll move on. As I said before, once the criticism is given to me, it’s mine to deal with. Once it’s served its purpose, I need to put it down. Carrying criticism around for no reason allows bitterness and anger to take root in my soul. That’s not good for me or anyone around me. 

Lastly, if possible, I’ve learned to keep the door open with those who criticize me. Why? Because sometimes what the person wants to talk about isn’t what they need to talk about. Sometimes when someone complains about the cushions in the pew it’s not the problem they want to deal with. If I’m defensive, I’ll close down the conversation and the opportunity for healing to take place. If I leave the door open, there’s a better chance we’ll get to the issue that really matters.  I’ve found myself in the middle of a lot of life changing conversations just because I sat down with someone who wanted to tell me how mad they were at me. 

Yet again, it wasn’t about me. It rarely is. Most of the time, criticism is coming from someone who is hurting but doesn’t know how to tell you they’re hurting. So, like a child who needs attention, they’ll misbehave. Learn to listen before you react. Try to hear the pain that’s hidden in the criticism. 

People are going to criticize us as we lead. We can’t do anything about that. We can control what we do with the criticism. Use criticism that’s true to make you better. Learn to let go of the rest. Life’t too short to be dragging around any one else’s wrong opinions. 

We don’t choose to be criticized. We always choose what we do with it.