How to have hard conversations | Pastor Notes

In this edition of Pastor’s Notes, Dr. Darrell Gwaltney shares a practical approach to navigating difficult conversations with people who believe differently. By listening well, asking thoughtful questions, and finding common ground, pastors and leaders can move beyond win-or-lose conversations toward greater understanding and healthier relationships.

• Transcript

  Hi, I'm Daryl Gwaltney. I've spent I think all my life in ministry. I've been a pastor, I've been an educator, uh, I've been an equipper and encourager. And, uh, one of the questions that I encounter more and more with people, uh, either as I work with students or even, even the other pastors, is, "What am I supposed to do with people that just believe differently from me?"

  I mean, and, and often what we're encountering more today is those beliefs can be very, very strong, conflictual. Uh, Sometime uh, so strong and conflictual that it's something beyond argumentative, and it feels like a win lo- win/lose kind of conversation, and we don't wanna be involved in conversations like that.

  So I, I think it's a good thing for us to talk about. Like, how do I, how do I engage a person in conversation who believes differently from me very, very [00:01:00] strongly? I, I think, uh, one of the first things that we can do in a time like that is, uh, take a deep breath and realize the first thing for us to do is listen.

  It's really easy for us, whenever somebody is in disagreement with us, for us to categorize them, to caricature them, to, to think, "Oh, yeah, I know who they are. I've met that kind of person before. They believe this and that." And we automatically begin sort of like developing our best responses to their anticipated argument It's so much better if we just listen, and if we ask them big open-ended questions.

  A question like why is not often very helpful because why is a question that has value to it. It's a value-laden proposition. Tell me the reasons why you believe that, which in of itself is very challenging. In- instead, you [00:02:00] can ask them, "How d- how did you come to that opinion? What's, what are the reasons why this is important to you?"

  And have the courage when you ask a question- to be silent

  One of the best pieces of advice I got early on in ministry was a former school teacher that said to me, "Pastor, when you ask a question, you may have to wait three minutes before the person has the courage to answer it." So I think the first thing for us to do is to ask good, powerful, open-ended questions that show the person we really are interested in listening to them.

  We really do want to hear from them So whenever we, [00:03:00] uh, listen to them and they share with us how they arrived at that opinion, I think the next thing for us to do is to begin to ask ourselves, "Well, I wonder, I wonder what is we share in common?" I, I wonder if maybe when I hear you say this and we do some mirroring, and you've probably heard this before, like, w- I heard you say this.

  Is, is that what ... Did I hear you correctly? waiting. Okay, so I heard you say this, and this sounds similar to what I believe here. Are you interested in hearing what I believe about that? Another open-ended question. If they say, "No, I don't have any interest in talking about that." Say, "Well, okay. What can we, can we find a thing that we can talk about?"

  So what we try to do [00:04:00] after we listen to them is we try to find a place of middle ground, some place that we can sit and talk. I always use, um, the analogy of a cup of coffee. Uh, these conversations are always more helpful if you got something in your hand, you're drinking it, and you're talking to somebody, and you don't feel as, as rushed as you are.

  And when you find that thing that you share in common, the, the things that you can believe in together, then the natural response is, "Okay, so what are we gonna do? So what's next for us? What can we do?" If we, if we can agree on these things What do we do next? Now, do you see the difference there? If we agree on these things, then here's what we're gonna do next.

  No, it's like [00:05:00] another big question. If we agree on these things, what can we do next? What can we learn about each other together that helps us work together, not only on this thing, but to some greater understanding? And it's a very simple process. Listening, honestly listening. And when you're listening, not forming answers in your head, but really listening to them, and then finding some kind of middle ground for that conversation, and then saying, "Now what should we do about this middle ground?"

  Now, the, the power of that, particularly for a pastor or in ministry, is that it helps you to understand the person whom you're serving and working with. You're not gonna prejudge them, [00:06:00] prejudice them. You're gonna really listen to them. You learn what's important to them, and then out of your own depth of experience, try to find that middle ground where you can begin to have that conversation.

  This could be about a relational conflict, it could be a doctrinal conflict, it could be a political conflict. My goodness, in the church today, we have plenty of differences about that. But it always begins not with us drawing a line in the sand, staking out our own territory, and then defending it and fighting for it But healthy conversation and reconciliation, peacemaking, if you will, resolution of conflict begins with our listening to each other.

  Listening to what somebody really feels and creating a space for them to [00:07:00] say, "This is what I feel, this is what I believe," without presuming that we're automatically judging them so we can fight back with them. So I wish that for you. It's a, it's a slow conversation. It's a conversation that sometimes the first time you have it is just the listening piece.

  You can't get any farther than the listening. Maybe the second time you start finding that place where you have some common agreement. Maybe that's two or three conversations. And then finally you get to the point, you say, "Okay, here's what we can work on together

  And the last thing I would encourage you is to recognize that's a really powerful sermon too To stand in front of somebody with God's word and to say, "What does God's word say to us today?"

  [00:08:00] How can we engage God's Word? Here's what we can do together in God's Word I wish you the best as you listen well to people, as you find a common ground for conversation, and then you discover the absolute wonderful joy of working on things together and coming to understanding. God bless you as you do the important work of ministry and listening to other people